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From Surrender to Transmutation

Journal

Embodied Rituals for Skin + Soul

From Surrender to Transmutation

Katie Gordon

I've been playing with fire. Burning things down. Clearing the space I've been craving so that I'll have the energy, time, bandwidth, and desire to do only what's meaningful, soulful, heartfelt, and necessary. 

What does that mean? 

It means there are about half the number of products in the Apothecary. I chose only the items that I love making, wrapping, and mailing off to you all. The items that bring me JOY to dream up, create, share and talk about. 

It means I'll no longer be doing tarot readings publicly. Yes, I'll still read for friends, myself, and clients who come in for Shamanic Craniosacral Sessions and even some Embodied Yoga Sessions. But I won't be offering one-off tarot readings through my website. 

And...

...it means the Wild Mystic Mentorship has been laid to rest. This was a really difficult decision for me to make. At least it was for my brain. My body and soul had withdrawn their energy from it awhile ago, given me all the signs that I was complete, but my mind couldn't let it go. It said, "There is so much good content here! Just set it up as a self-study course to bring more women into the Wild Mystic Tribe! Why would you NOT keep doing this?"  But one morning last week, I woke up and knew I was ready to let it go. 

What does it feel like when your bodysoul says one thing and your brain says something different?

Tension. Stuckness. Stagnation. Like you're talking yourself in circles. Your heart + gut say one thing and your mind keeps saying, "Yeah, but..."

It feels like banging your head against a wall. An attempt to force something that doesn't work but you don't know why.

Ultimately, it feels like nothing can move forward while you're still staying entangled in a previously woven web that you've outgrown. When I thought about the mentorship itself, it felt like clothes that no longer fit. In the letting-go process, I realized why it can be so scary: we don't know what's next. We're left in that inbetween space of wondering what's coming next. We ask ourselves, "Is anything coming next? What happens if nothing comes? What happens if I'm left with this big empty space and I don't know how to fill it? What if my creativity is gone forever and my connection to Spirit is totally severed and I can never dream up another beautifully sacred, profound space again?" 

So I let myself sit with that for a bit. And I realized something...

That has literally never happened. In my whole life, the Universe has never ever left me hangin'. Well, not for too long anyway. Sometimes we need to hang and be with our Selves long enough to allow the next thing (whatever it happens to be) to bubble up from deep within us.

I don't know yet what that next thing will be. I have some inklings. I've seen some things and had some dreams. So, I know it's coming. And I know whatever comes next will be potent and profound.

So I can surrender.

But this lesson in trusting, waiting, trusting, waiting, and then waiting a little longer and trusting a little more is where the medicine lies for me. Because now comes the gathering of bones, the stirring of the cauldron, integrating, examining, writing, and dancing with the pieces which desire to come through. When I till and tend the fertile soil of my soul and imagination.

I'm in the cocoon. Awaiting the transformation, transmutation, that can be painful and uncomfortable and oh so beautiful.