As a dear friend reminded me the other day, we're coming to the end of the year of the snake. It's been a year of incredible shedding, peeling back the layers of old stories, relationships, labels, beliefs, and assumptions I've held onto. The past few weeks I've been in a slow, painful yet beautiful process of crawling out of my skin. An old skin. Like snakes do when they've outgrown that layer and it's time to move on.
For a long time I thought I was meant to work with women struggling with eating disorders. I even wrote a one-on-one coaching program for healing emotional eating. I thought it was my calling, my mission. All along there were lots of signs from the Universe telling me that it wasn't. That it was just one step along the way. I realize now that it was a way to heal MYSELF.
And it was the easy way to respond to the much afeared question: "So Katie, what do you do?" It was simple and sounded good to just say, "I help women struggling with eating disorders to heal their relationship with food." People understood that. I didn't have to explain myself or justify my place in life.
Each time I'd say that out loud I'd wonder, "Whose voice is it saying those words? It certainly isn't mine." It was a cop-out. An easy answer that in no way encompassed my place in life or my truth. The problem was I didn't trust that when I was in alignment with myself, sitting still enough to listen, the people I was meant to work with would find me. So I resisted what my heart kept telling me. I stood on my soapbox and told everyone to listen to their gut. That if they asked their Soul what he/she wanted and needed that they'd get their answers. That their body would tell them what they needed. That it'd be scary to trust themselves at first and that's okay because courage was feeling that fear and doing it anyway.
And as one of my mentors says, we're great at giving the advice and teaching what we ourselves need to learn. So rather than sit, listen, trust, be gentle, and know that my soul had a plan, I questioned, ignored, blamed and shamed myself into speaking words that weren't mine. Into claiming a place in this world that wasn't for me because it was easier than owning the work that I love to do and claiming my space. Luckily, my inner guides had other plans and things began to fall apart so that I could let them go and trust that something bigger was coming. That the work I had done around emotional eating was really for me, to heal my own scars and wounds.
Now comes the hard part. The scary, messy, and ultimately beautiful part. When I have to commit to myself, to my tribe, to the souls who have been on this journey with me from the beginning. Now I commit to doing what I tell everyone else to do: to speak my truth, even and especially when it's a bit terrifying.
The truth is, I want to go deeper. I don't want to tell women who are struggling with how to love themselves and to own their power that they need to eat. Don't get me wrong, there's unbelievable value in that. There are amazing souls whose work IS to support people to nourish themselves with real food.
And I want to peel back the next layer. To go to those deeper, darker places of your soul, to read and listen to the story of your spirit. Clarissa Pinkola Estes writes, "Like the Rosetta stone, for those who know how to read it, the body is a living record of life given, life taken, life hoped for, life healed. It is valued for its articulate ability to register immediate reaction, to feel profoundly, to sense ahead." I'm fascinated by the connection between the Soul and the physical body. By the way our body manifests health and dis-eases of our deeper Self. The way that our body holds, negotiates, and releases trauma. And how my education through experience and more formal training have prepared me to hold space for people to explore and go through their process.
I've known this to be true for a long time, and it's taken me until now to own this truth: I'm here to heal through renegotiating trauma, through the power of myth and stories, through plants and the medicine of the earth. I'm here to teach women to listen, speak, and feel. To hold space for ritual and soul retrieval. To go with you to the deepest self in order that your own spirit can heal your emotional and physical body, the connection between the two. And to help women find happiness by being in alignment with their soul's truth and loving themselves enough to ask for that much out of this life. I work with archetypes, movement, your desires, and dreams. Through the medicine of heartbreak and recovery. And through holding sacred space for the Soul to come back home.
P.S. Extra credit to anyone who can tell me what the title of this post is from...