I've been having some deep conversations lately with sisters, fellow artists, therapists, and visionaries in all capacities about taking that next step. From being on your spiritual path, doing trainings, certifications, seeing clients, teaching classes, showing up day to day, to then stepping into this new, unknown, and completely terrifying place that has been chosen by your soul. You know that everything up until now has been leading to this moment in time. All the transformation, all the dark, mucky, sludgy, messy, chaos and shitstorms that you've been weathering have led you here. And now ALL you have to do is open, receive, and allow your soul's work to come through you. So you freeze. Instead of working on a class or lecture you're putting together, you binge watch some crappy show on Netflix. Rather than make those teacup succulent gardens you're brilliant at, you let yourself get lost in the endless household chores. You take low-paying (or maybe even high-paying) jobs so that you're too busy to write that AMAZING coaching program you've been wanting to launch *sheepishly raising my hand*. Maybe it's something more shameful to you like using alcohol, drugs, food, or sex to fill that creative void or distract yourself from what you know in your heart you have this burning desire to fulfill, write, paint, create.
So, I'm calling bullshit. And I'm doing this mainly because this is EXACTLY where I've been hiding out. I've been holding back for one very simple reason: fear. I'm afraid that it won't come out right, that no one will be pickin' up what I'm puttin' down. That I'll essentially be failing the Universe at the task that's been set for me. The path that my own soul chose. What if I just suck at it? What if I fail? What if I put my whole heart into something, make my voice heard, show up as big and as powerfully as I can, and all I hear is crickets?
It took a major surrendering, totally letting go of what I thought my ego wanted to do (because it was easy) and realizing my authentic self, my wild soul, is here to do something. A big something. Yesterday, I got to receive a bodywork session from a woman I'm lucky enough to call a friend, sister, and teacher. I got to go into the deepest, darkest recesses of my soul to listen. I had finally reached the place where I could say, "I have no f*cking clue what I'm supposed to do with any of this. Why is all of this happening? What piece am I missing? Please help!" I was ready to be open and hear whatever needed to come up.
At the end of the session, before I opened my eyes, before I had a conscious thought, I heard a voice say, "Something big is coming." And it felt light. Powerful and light. As if my guides were saying all I have to do is say yes to this, to stop standing in my own way, and it's coming. Actually, it's already done. I just have to write it.
In reflecting on this intensely beautiful session and on the subsequent conversation with my friend after, I remembered this quote from Martha Graham:
There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you and into action. And because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium, and be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is: Nor how valuable it is; Nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. No artist is ever pleased, there is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer, divine satisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.
So I'm putting my voice out there in a HUGE way. I'm bending some of the marketing rules, completely breaking other ones, but sometimes you gotta break the rules for the sake of creation, transformation, and showing up as a leader. And if my message and my unique gift to teach is that of self-love and honoring the wildness of your soul, one that is desperately needed by so many women (and men) in our society, then I need to get over my hang-up's about being "good enough" and let it flow through me.